Spiritual but not Religious

As-salam mualaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatu.

Lately i been feeling like a real bad muslim, you know..  !! it is extremely difficult to learn about the purpose of life (religious side). sometimes we do not know what we do or what we have to do untill somebody told us .. 

this blog is contains something on me, thats why i will tell you what i feel right now.. 

There is someone always motivating me to better than i am right now.. I mean spiritually , I did all the things that can make me more intelligent in terms of religion, either read, watch or listen to the muslim radio. but more and more I feel hypocritical here (inside me).. because in fact I still do a lot of mistakes and sins. I am living with my family and they are good Muslim actually, they never forget to ordering me to doing shalat 5 times a day. I pray the obligatory prayers but it's not enough for me. because sometimes I often neglect prayer when I was with a friend of a friend.. its very easy to leave and I did not even feel terrible about that.. Another Example, sometimes i think Its very easy to copy paste islamic messanges as my status or my blog, but very difficult to bring them in my lives.. i feel that i have two faces ? am i true muslim ? BIG NO.. Because many people who understand religion but they never practice it, as well as me.. thats like me.. and thats bad..  the more i focus on certain emotions the more those emotions grow. the more i focus on my faults the more grief  will have over them. 

I know some people say spiritual maturity isn’t measured by how long I’ve been a muslim, or how much I know, or how often I go to mosque. Spiritual maturity is measured by the way I treat other people. It’s measured by the love iallow to operate. thats simple means, when i am walking in love, i treat other people with courtesy and respect. i know thats, but the problem is not about the thing thats can see with eyes, its more about what i feel inside.. 

I think there are three types of religious people: those who doing commandement of islam but still talk about others (Islam KTP maksudnya), those who remind me of Islam, and those me remind me of Allah. The first category is all around me. While they may even come in the guise of muslim teacher, they base their Islam on the denigration of all other people, both Muslim and non-Muslim. thats make  lower my iman and take me farther away from Allah the Exalted. The second category is those who remind me of islam. They may be interesting to listen to or read, and often times they will be of great benefit towards my knowledge and even practice. Nevertheless, they will not raise my iman per sec. because the one in this category are talks on systems, aspects,and even the study of tawheed (oneness of Allah) as a theoretical science, among many other types of talks and discussions. and the third category is those remind me of Allah. They are able to take any conversation away from worldly matters and redirect it back to the Creator of all. They don’t teach tawheed as a theoretical science; rather they explain it practically and realistically. these people , i really need the most.. 

Perhaps it is impossible to be a real muslim every second of our lives, but it is not impossible to try. And in Islam, our efforts are recognized and rewarded, not just the results. The intention is as important as the deed. I think all I need is just try. try to be a good muslim in every situasion, maybe I can never be a real moslem untill I die, but at lease i've try and that makes my life more meaningful and that's all that matter.
Am I a real moslem or not? I don't know...only Allah can decide.